The sure cure to happiness

I can't actually write because my eyes are still dilated but I'll correct all the typos later.

Some of my best thoughts come in the shower. Why is that? My thoughts flow in a linear dot-connecting way… sometimes.

I watched a video the other day talking about combatting or countering toxic shame attacks. In the video, the guy talked about where these shame attacks start in a family setting and what they end up doing to us internally. He talked about enmeshment and fusion and how neither of those are are actual closeness and love. I makes me think about the disconnect between me and mom, the thing I was always yearning for but could never fully feel. Mom and I developed an enmeshed relationship based on ancestral neglect and anxiety working it's way through the system. In so many ways, it's only really possible for me to love mom the longer time and distance separate us. Her need to make me a recreated version of the "she" she was trying to fix caused so much pain to me. And now that she's no longer here and that's done with, I can move on.

Now, I face the repository of fears left behind by the experience of MOTHER. I conquered them once before. I can do this again. The first fear I have to define, face and push through is my creative fear. I think it's related a more generalized existential fear, the alarm of world events. If I can find the space to allow that to drift to an outer sphere, I can find the inner calm to allow myself to experiment with the unknown. But the existential fear does have an unfortunate effect of continuing my anxiety and interrupting that fearlessness. Then there is the fear of "making a mistake,” related to the fear of disappointing myself which tells me I need to work on more self-compassion. Perfection, some imaginary “perfection,” is a sure cure to satisfaction and happiness. I think I need to dedicate a day to ONLY making mistakes.